Etiquette for the 21st century

"Written words have permanency, and thought carelessly put on paper can exist for hundreds of years."

The writers of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution knew this. It is their work that today allows us to govern much as we have for the past 226 years.

The founders of the free press wrote those words, but the quote above comes from an unrelated, a more governable and less forgiving source: Peggy Post.

Peggy is the great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post. I found her quote, or her great-grandmother-in-law's quote, after cracking open the 16th edition of "Emily Post's Etiquette." My daughter received the 846-page tome -- the bible of manners -- from her grandma for her Sweet 16th.

I'm thrilled. There is nothing worse than bad manners. Nothing worse than someone eating their bologna sandwich with their mouth open or, for heaven's sake, having the sheets monogrammed incorrectly. Who knew the guy standing at the foot of the bed was supposed to be able to read the monogram?

Ironically, a copy of "Etiquette" does not appear on the list of gifts for a Sweet 16. You could give a charm bracelet with one charm, a pair of earrings, any book on the girl's special interest or hobby, personalized stationery, perfume, a scarf, belt or other fashion accessory, cassettes, wall posters or other decorative ornaments for the girl's room, CDs or tapes and gift certificates.

For a boy it would be appropriate to give clothing, sports equipment and CDs or tapes, wall posters, a video game, computer software, ticket and popcorn money for the movies.

In all other cases, flowers for men and women are always acceptable, as are gifts of items you've made yourself. Though as one co-worker pointed out, they can't be exchanged.

The comment for written words comes up in Chapter 2, "Correspondence." It appears as counsel at the end of "The Unwise Letter Section."

This chapter outlines the appropriate stationery, the how-tos of writing a letter, the ever-important thank-you letter and notes of apology.

Post is a study in graciousness.

"Dear Janice, I do apologize for having to send you the message about Monday night. When I accepted your invitation I stupidly forgot that Monday was a holiday and that our own guests were not leaving until Tuesday morning; Arthur and I could not very well go off and leave them! We are disappointed and hope that you know how to sorry we were not to be with you. Affectionately, Yvonne"

I guess the sorry-we-couldn't-make-it-the-damned-in-laws-stayed-an-extra-day note would make her cringe.

If in Europe, it would be an insult not to take cut flowers to the hostess of a dinner party. Here in the U.S. it is customary, Peggy says, to bring flowers, wine or dessert. However, and this is where you tell the mannered from the unmannered, you take flowers that are already arranged or cut flowers from your own garden to arrange yourself once you arrive in a vase of the hostess'. Wine is simple; just give it to the hostess.

Dessert or a dish should be given for the hostess, but the giver should not expect it to be served at dinner -- "croissants and jam for your breakfast" -- is appropriate.

In her introduction to the 16th edition, Peggy Post celebrates the 75th anniversary of Emily Post, but the word etiquette dates back to the 17th century and originates from Louis XIV's gardener. Peggy writes that during the planting of the garden of Versailles the gardener became incensed when the courtiers would not keep off the grass. He put up "tickets" -- etiquettes -- directing strollers to keep to the paths. When the etiquettes went ignored, he complained to the king who issued an edict commanding everyone to "keep to the etiquettes."

Through time, the term became one which legislated all the rules for correct deportment in court circles -- eventually becoming the singular word carrying with it the instant definition of courteous, thoughtful behavior, impeccable manners, dignity and civility.

Through the centuries and since its first publication in 1922, etiquette is the code of behavior based on consideration and thoughtfulness.

The first sentence in the chapter on "Everyday Manners" sets the stage for life: "The cardinal principle of etiquette is thoughtfulness, and the guiding rule of thoughtfulness is the Golden Rule. If you always do unto others as you would have done unto you, it is likely that you will never offend, bore or intrude, and that your actions will be courteous and indeed thoughtful."

It is these precepts that encouraged a gentleman to walk to the inside of the street when walking with a lady. In this way, if someone tossed waste into the street, it would hit him and not her.

Those were the days.

Kelli Du Fresne is features editor at the Nevada Appeal.