I was searching the snack-food aisle at the grocery store the other day when I heard one of the clerks say, "Polly's quite a snacker."
Well, I must say I was instantly insulted.
My only remedy, of course, would be to file a lawsuit against the grocery chain, ask a judge for a cease-and-desist order and try to compute some figure -- probably in the hundreds of thousands of dollars -- to compensate me for the pain and humiliation caused me by that offensive, insensitive remark.
You see, I knew what the clerk was really saying. Anybody would. The common phrase is "Polly wanna cracker?" And "cracker" is a derogatory term for white people.
I won't stand for it, and I'm going to get a judge to do something about it.
Sounds ridiculous, huh?
Well, as of this week, it's no longer permissible in American society to say "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe ...."
If you're over 30, you probably know the rest of the rhyme had -- once upon a time -- a racist word in it.
But that's not what a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines said. Jennifer Cundiff, trying to get passengers settled on a flight from Las Vegas two years ago, announced: "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe; pick a seat, we gotta go."
Two of the passengers, Grace Fuller and Louis Sawyer, were offended. The phrase "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe" brought to their mind the racist version of the rhyme.
They filed suit.
Now, I have no problem with them filing a lawsuit. I don't like it, and I think it's frivolous. But it's their right to pay the filing fee and make their case for compensatory and punitive damages against Southwest Airlines for their claims of physical and emotional distress.
I am incredulous, however, that U.S. District Judge Kathryn Vratil this week ruled the case can go to trial in Kansas City on March 4.
"The court agrees with plaintiffs that because of its history, the phrase 'eenie, meenie, minie, moe' could reasonably be viewed as objectively racist and offensive," the judge decided.
What?
This ruling has the potential to set a new standard in infringement on free speech (let alone a new standard for idiocy on the bench).
Not only can you be sued for something you said, according to the judge, you can be sued for something you didn't say -- if some potentially offensive words were filled in by the mind of the person who heard them.
Cundiff, the flight attendant, was 22 years old at the time and said she'd never heard the racist version of the rhyme, which uses the n-word. Nowadays, the phrase is usually changed to "Catch a tiger by the toe."
Other Southwest employees had told her "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe; pick a seat, we gotta go," and she apparently thought it was catchy.
If you've ever flown Southwest Airlines, you know the employees are famous for cracking jokes and having a bit of fun with passengers.
In fact, it's gotten them in trouble before. During the Clinton administration, a few Democrats were ruffled when a flight attendant asked, prior to takeoff, if the passengers would "please return your seat backs, tray tables and interns to the upright position." Some people laughed, but others didn't, and the flight attendant was admonished not to tell the joke again.
When I meet a stranger or casual acquaintance, nothing makes an impression quite as strongly as if he tells a racist or sexist joke. I no longer have any use for him, and I wouldn't trust his judgment on anything.
If somebody I have to work around says something offensive to me, I tell him or her. In my role as a supervisor, if he does it again, I might fire him.
That's the option Southwest Airlines had. Whether her bosses thought the flight attendant knew the rhyme had a racist connotation or not, they simply would have told their employees not to use it again, because it had upset some customers.
But the customers went to court. A judge has set a trial date. It has become an issue of freedom of speech.
Now they have created a situation in which two persons can bring the power of the American legal system to bear on an individual and her employer for something she didn't actually say.
Frankly, that offends me.
Barry Smith is editor of the Nevada Appeal.