Oh, good grief ... Feds are going to pay for Viagra

Just when you think you've heard it all .. (WARNING: for those of you who are easily scandalized or shocked, i.e. those under 12 and over 75, and men, whose egos bruise easily, we advise you to read no further, 'cuz it's all going downhill from here) Congress has tacked Viagra, Levitra and Cialis to Medicare and Medicaid, making them "covered" prescriptions.

Mind you, women with cancer can't get restorative surgery or prosthetics, and many seniors can't afford the drugs that will keep them alive, but some old geezers in Washington with their trophy wives and mistresses believe that "performance enhancing" drugs are a necessity, not an elective, to the tune of 50 Billion dollars (yep, that's billion with a "b") over the next ten years.

Some folks think it may bankrupt Medicare, or damage it at the very least ... therefore, if you're one of them who thinks this is folly, feel free to call Sen. Reid (882-7343), Sen. Ensign (885-9111) and Congressman Gibbons (686-5760) and register your complaint.

In the meantime, remember the ads on TV ("If your erection lasts over four hours, seek immediate medical attention and rush to your local emergency room ... "), then visualize the nurses giving Oscar winning performances looking "concerned," and you've got the picture ... "He couldn't afford his heart medicine, but at least he died smiling ... " (that's your "upper" for the day)

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Speaking of men ... we came across some classes the Brewery Arts Center might want to sponsor ... "The Toilet Paper Roll - does it change itself?" Round table discussion, Saturday, 12 for 2 hours; "How to Cut the Apron Strings - basic differences between mothers and wives," online classes and role-playing; and finally, "Fundamental Differences between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor," pictures and explanatory graphics ... meets Saturdays at 2 p.m. for three weeks; other classes on request ...

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Lent arrives on Wednesday, so Easter is six weeks away. Instead of "giving up" something, how about doing something wonderful for someone each day of Lent? Quite a nice thought ...

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We see Guy Farmer got a new hat and picture ... may we get a new picture, too? Carolyn's got new glasses, and Maizie's got long hair (although they probably work as good disguises) ... let us know ... we want to fit in with the new look of the Appeal ...

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The local Filipino community is sponsoring a "Miss Valentine's" pageant at the Carson Nugget on Saturday at 6 p.m. ... $25 per person. It will feature several lovely contestants with the winner going on to the Miss Douglas County pageant later this year ...

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And the Sunset Rotary of Carson City is presenting its 12th annual "Holiday for Lovers" at the Pinon Plaza on Valentine's Day, Monday, at 6:30 p.m. ... $45 apiece, with proceeds going to benefit the Rotary Foundation ... call Phil White, 883-7077 days, or 883-6675 evenings, for information ...

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With the Legislature in town, it reminds us of the famous words of George Carlin ... "What exactly is wrong with inmates running the asylum? It seems to me they're in the ideal position to know what's needed ... " We can only hope ...

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And don't forget to make reservations before going out to eat anywhere ... with so many legislators and lobbyists in town, you need them ... forewarned is forearmed ...

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We heard of someone who has written to Dr. Phil to thank him for the "inner peace" she has achieved ... "Dear Dr. Phil: You said if one was to achieve 'inner peace' they should finish all the things they have started. Therefore, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished ... so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, both my Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel! Thank you!" Sincerely ...

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Carolyn and Maizie (and Pat Josten) both got non-speaking parts (now there's a switch ... the director will probably have to use duct tape to shut us up) in the Proscenium Player's production of "Bleacher Bums" (at the BAC the last two weekends in April and the first weekend of May) ... they will be "old" Chicago Cubs cheerleaders who still turn out to see the Cubbies win ... no wonder they're old ... it ain't happening ... and Sammy's gone ... waaaaaah ...

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By the way, if you want to get your free credit report from the three major credit bureaus, call 1-877-322-8228, and they will get them to you within a few weeks ... it's a good idea to keep track ...

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In the interests of health and fitness, we pass along the following wisdom: Q: "Is chocolate bad for me?" A: "Are you crazy? Cocoa beans are vegetables. Vegetables = good for you. HELLO!"

Q: "Is swimming good for my figure?" A: "If it's good for you, explain whales to me."

Q: "What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?" A: "Can't think of a single one, sorry. No pain ... is good." This advice, coupled with Dr. Phil's ... we're going to take a nap ...

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Tracie Moore, a former Miss Carson City, and a friend of ours, just graduated from esthetician school (egads, is that the "first I cudn't spel it, now I are one" school?) ... those are the people who give facials, waxes, make-up, etc. If you need to be "beautiful" ... give her a call at 888-9988 or 287-4928 ... and you can look and feel divine ...

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We leave you today with some of the expected mergers that are going on the world of business ... "Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace ... " "Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers will be Poly Warner Cracker ... " And last, but not least, "Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will be: ZipAudiDoDa ... " Make up your own ...

n Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write to them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.