A chaplain for Mom

I have been a chaplain with the Carson City Sheriff's Office for a year and a half. I live in Washoe Valley.

Nov. 2, 2004, started much the same way most days start, with the exception of the presidential election. I was on call that day, and not much had happened. It was quiet to the point I knew something was going to happen.

It was 6:15 p.m., and my wife was at work. I was in uniform waiting for my parents to come home - they live next door. When I went to the Sheriff's Office or did a late-night ride-along, my mother would watch our 10-year-old son, Dominick.

At 6:18 p.m., I received a call from my sister-in-law. "Bill, you need to get to the end of the road where the highway meets. Dad and Mom were just in an accident, and it looks really bad. Mom isn't conscious."

My brother and his wife live next door to us and were on their way to a Bible study when they witnessed the accident. I can't explain why, but somehow I knew my mother was dead.

I explained to my son I had been called to an accident. I didn't go into detail as to who was involved. (He understands what I do and has seen me called out many times.) I called my wife and told her about the call, and that I thought Mom was dead and to get home right away.

I arrived on the scene at 6:22 p.m. They had just gotten my mother out of the car, and she was laid out on the road. The car was totaled. They were broadsided at 60 mph.

Comforting the family

I walked over to my father to make sure he was OK. As I approach, the paramedics pronounced my mother ... she was dead. (Later we found out she was knocked unconscious, and her aorta was severed by the force restraint of the seat belt - she died within 10 seconds.)

Dad lost it; my brother and his wife comforted him. Immediately, I fell back on my training as a chaplain. I approached the trooper in charge of the accident investigation and introduced myself to him as the son of the deceased - and a chaplain out of Carson City. I told him if I could be of any assistance, just ask.

I immediately got on the phone with our pastor (we all attended the same church) and told him what happened and that Dad needed him here. I called family members to let them know so a support group would be in place when Dad needed them. I also called my oldest brother, who was in town, to let him know.

When I finished making my calls, I was asked by the trooper in charge if I would speak with the witnesses as they were having a difficult time dealing with the fact they had just handled a dead body. I agreed and went to them, introduced myself, and asked if I could be of assistance.

One person turned me down, but the other lady started to unload. There were a lot of tears, and I explained it was the dead woman's time to go home with the Lord. She asked how I could be so calm, and what about the family? What about the family, indeed.

I pointed to my brother, who was standing with his arms around Dad, and said they will be OK.

She said again, "How can you be sure what the family feels?"

I explained to her, "Yes, I am a chaplain, but the woman on the ground is my mother." She looked at me, her jaw dropped, and she said, "How are you holding it together?"

I told her about the hope promised in the Bible that gives me faith. She asked if we could pray, and we then ended our conversation.

Talking to the driver

I checked with Dad to make sure he was OK. We talked for a few minutes. As we were talking, a truck pulled up and broke through the police line, weaving in and out of traffic, driving erratically, nearly hitting two deputies. He was pulled over and found to be under the influence of drugs and alcohol and taken into custody. It turns out he was a friend of the driver involved in the accident and was coming to pick him up.

Another trooper asked if I would talk with the man who hit my parents. He was having a difficult time dealing with the accident and his friend being arrested.

I cleared it with the lead investigator, telling him I was also the son of the deceased. He said, "Please do what you can."

I went to the man involved and introduced myself as a chaplain and asked if I could be of assistance. He told me his name was Walter, and he had never been in an accident before. He kept saying, "What is the family going to do? Please tell them I am sorry."

I started to calm him down and explained the family would be OK and let's focus on him. He said, "How can you be so sure they will be OK?" all the time looking over at the covered body of my mother.

I told him, "Walter, I know they don't hold it against you. This is an accident, not an 'on purpose.' She is home with the Lord. It was her time to go. Please don't worry about them."

With tears welling up in his eyes, he looked at my shoes and said, "I don't believe it. How can you be so sure?"

I said, "This is how I know. You see that lady lying on the ground? That's my mother. I and the family don't hold it against you."

He looked me in the eyes for the first time, tears flowing, and said, "I am so sorry."

"I forgive you," I said. "Don't beat yourself up any more."

'How can you forgive me?'

Then a wonderful thing happened. He opened up and said, "I have never been in an accident before in my life. Why did it have to happen? What will you do? What will your family do? How can you forgive me?"

I put my arm around him and said, "We will go on; life continues after death.

"Sure, we will hurt for a while. We will cry, get sad, and get mad. It's all part of grieving and healing, but we will ultimately move on. We can forgive you because Christ forgave us. Can I pray with you?"

He said yes, and we prayed for quite some time. Afterwards, his ride showed up, and he went off.

I went to the trooper in charge and brought him up to speed on the conversations I had just completed. He thanked me for the work I had done, and said he knew it must have been very difficult for me, but there wasn't another chaplain available. I told him it was an honor to be able to help.

If the truth is known, it was a tremendous learning experience for me to be able to work my mother's accident scene. I was later able to minister to my father, brothers and sister-in-law.

After the coroner arrived on the scene at 8:30 p.m., I went home. Now I was faced with the difficult job of telling my son he had just lost his grandmother.

When I walked into the house with my wife, I called my son into the living room, sat him down, and started off with, "You know that I was called out for an accident. It involved an older couple, and the lady died. She was an older woman, 71, with three kids, six grandkids and three great-grandchildren.

"She was loved by all her family. She was very close to the youngest grandson (my son), and this is going to hit him very hard. What advice would you give that boy who is the same age as you?"

Dominick looked at me and said, "I would tell him to talk to his dad about how he feels and to pray."

Time to pray

With that said, I looked at him and said, "I want to pray with you, but first I need to tell you something. The lady who died was Grandma."

He looked at me with disbelief, tears filling his eyes. He didn't say a word; he just looked at me. I told him I was sorry, and I wasn't lying. I wish I was, but it was true.

With that, he started to cry and cry. My wife, Shelly, and I held him and prayed together. We talked for hours until he was too tired to stay awake.

The next day, I received a call from Master Chaplain Paul Crooks, a friend who is a chaplain with the highway patrol. He heard what happened and wanted to know if there was anything he could do.

Although I thought I could handle it on my own, he would not let me. Here I was dealing with my wife who was heartbroken, my son who was extremely close to his grandmother and my father who lost the woman he was married to for 51 years. And let's not forget the loss of my mother.

Paul was a tremendous help and support. Just having someone who understood the job and had a compassionate ear was more than enough. We talked almost every day for the next two weeks. You never know where you are going to be ministered from.

A job in a difficult time

It was a difficult yet educational time. It was an experience I would never change. Some of the things I learned were: I can do all things through Christ. Training is important, but experience is the best educator. Don't turn away from those who want to help. We all need to be ministered to - especially the ministers.

I am writing this because I was encouraged by my chief, Chief Deputy Bev Moltz with the Carson City Sheriff's Office. She said, "I bet there aren't many chaplains who have an experience like yours. You need to write an article."

As I thought about what she said, I realized she was right and maybe it could help someone, somewhere, someday.

Carson City Sheriff Ken Furlong used the incident as an example to the department personnel of having to do a job even in a difficult time.

Nov. 2, 2004, is over. Our lives are changed and for the better. I think it was a tough ride, but one I wouldn't change for anything. I am glad I was able to be Mom's chaplain.