Grieving families can find comfort in others' journeys

In less than a week, three teenagers have lost their lives in two separate auto accidents in Carson City. As their families struggle with unspeakable grief, those around them may grapple with how to offer comfort.

In Carson City, at least one support group does just that. Compassionate Friends is specifically designed for grieving parents, giving them a place to exorcise their pain freely, before putting "back on the mask," said Cathy Silva, group member and mother of Danica who died in 1990, just one month shy of her fifth birthday.

"After a while, friends stop coming around. It's common. They get tired of hearing our story and we need to talk, talk, talk it out," she said. "Compassionate Friends is a safe place for us to talk. We are all in the same boat."

On Feb. 17, Ashley Masek, 20, and Eric Thompson, 19, died when the car they were passengers in overturned on Deer Run Road. On Monday, Rachel French, 19, was killed when her best friend rear-ended her car at Airport Road and Highway 50 East.

Silva said parents go through a series of emotions: shock, numbness, denial, disbelief, guilt, anger, loneliness, sadness and regret.

Even after all these years, she said, she still feels those emotions about the loss of Danica, just not as strongly.

"It comes and goes. Some days I go right back into anger, but it's not as intense as it first was," she said. "It just touches you. Sometimes you can be really strong and sometimes you fall apart. If we didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt this much."

For Silva, The Compassionate Friends saved her life, she said.

"After you lose a child, you just don't want to get out of bed, you don't even want to live. When you know that you have friends who are in the same boat, you know you are not alone.

"You are so raw at the beginning. We tell people when they first come to give us six meetings before they decide if this group is for them or not."

The group meets the last Tuesday of each month in Carson City at the Adams House. Silva said 10 to 15 members attend each meeting. The meetings are confidential and no one is forced to participate in discussions.

"Our first rule is you talk as much or as little as you want. This isn't a club anyone wants to get into, but with us you know its safe to just let it out and just cry. Then you have to go back to work and put on your mask."

Peggy Childers, of Carson City, gave birth to her son, Leslie, on April 15, 1978. The doctors said her only child, who had been born with a hole in his heart, would die within a week. She took him home and waited. Three months of sleepless nights passed before Childers felt comfortable enough to sleep again. Three months later, on Oct. 30, 1978, her beautiful boy died during the night.

"This was over 20 years ago, and still to this day, if I meet someone with his name it sends a chill up my spine," she said. "You never get over that loss. You just have to live with it."

Childers said she didn't join a support group, but sees a therapist regularly. She also offered advice to friends wanting to help. Don't lose touch after the funeral is over. Don't be afraid to bring up the child's name.

"I needed my friends the most at this time and they disappeared. It's not because they didn't care any longer, it was because they didn't know what to say. They are afraid. They want to comfort you but have absolutely no idea how."

She said survivors can sometimes gain strength through their friends.

"The person who has suffered this loss, once they get over the initial shock, they are going to need their friends more than ever, so please don't stay away."

For the parents, she thinks therapy is essential.

"Immediately seek counsel. Immediately go together so someone can explain that everyone handles grief differently," she said.

Childers' marriage didn't survive the loss of Leslie, she said.

"When you lose a child, your marriage goes one way or the other - it becomes stronger, or it falls apart. I took on so much guilt and went into such a deep depression and he found things to keep him busy. At the time I didn't understand and was asking, 'Why aren't you grieving?'"

With the passage of time, Childers said she learned inevitable lessons about grief. And she learned her boy would forever be a part of her.

"I feel him on the holidays and I feel him around me at times. Sometimes it's like he's guiding me," she said. "I do feel that these parents, if they allow themselves to stay open the possibility, they are going to feel their children around them. Eventually, they will find comfort in that."

Tuesday marked the 16th anniversary of the death of Silva's daughter Danica. She received as a remembrance a bouquet of flowers from a friend.

"That made me feel good. It said to me my daughter existed. She's still a part of me and my husband and my son," she said. "In the beginning it's hard for parents to believe joy could come again, but it does."

n Contact reporter F.T. Norton at ftnorton@nevadaappeal.com or 881-1213.

Nevada Support Groups

• The Compassionate Friends support group meets at 7 p.m. the last Tuesday of the month at the Adams House, 990 N. Minnesota St. It is a self-help group for parents who have lost a child. For information call chapter leaders Kristine and Shawn Lester at 265-5468.

• Solace Tree in Reno provides support for grieving children, teens and families to help share, normalize, and explore feelings associated with loss due to death. For information visit www.solacetree.org or call 324-7723.

For an extensive online list of grief resources visit:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ grieflinks.shtml

Grieving

• Expect initially to feel shock, numbness, denial and disbelief. Over time other emotions emerge, such as guilt, anger, loneliness, sadness and regret.

• Learn to express and share any feelings of guilt, especially with other bereaved parents. These feelings are normal and talking through them will help you learn to forgive yourself.

• Sleep deprivation is common, but can add to a feeling that you are "losing it."

• Avoid the use of alcohol or drugs in hope the pain will go away. Use prescription medicine sparingly and with a physician's supervision.

• Hold off on major decisions, such as career changes or moves. By moving, you may lose your support system when you need it most.

• Don't be rushed by others to take steps to move on, such as cleaning out a child's room.

• Make sure that your surviving children aren't "forgotten" and that they understand this is a shared family experience. Include them in family plans and decisions. Be frank with them and your spouse.

• Get support as you begin the new life without your child. Accept offered help to give yourself time to grieve.

Source: The Compassionate Friends