Can I get an Amen?
Oh, sorry, I was just practicing. Gotta get ready for this weekend.
Why you ask? Well, it's because I " the sex-endorsing, thong appreciating, urinal discussing heathen " will spend this weekend officiating a wedding.
For those of you who haven't had coffee yet, I'll spell it out: The Party of One is serving as a reverend.
OK, I'm not really a reverand, but its nice to see people's reactions when I say that. Officially, I'm nothing more than an "officiant," but Reverand Jarid is sooooo much cooler.
Several months ago I got a call from my cousin. I knew what this particular call was about. Through the grapevine I heard that he wanted me to be in the wedding, but none of my spies could tell me what role I would play.
I figured usher, which is a job that says, "I acknowledge that I know you, but you have done something to anger me." It's the stupidest part of the wedding.
Bride: Kind of important. Groom: Kind of important. Attendants: Proves you have friends. Ring bearer and flower girls: Unimportant but cute, so tolerable. Reverend: Uh yeah, kind of important. Bartender: Most important person at the wedding. Ushers: Like feelings, completely useless.
Seriously, who can't find a seat themselves? How many times have you gone to a wedding and there's a line because people are confused about what to do as they enter the church?
When I am forced to marry, most likely because someone has those pictures of me and the bear and is blackmailing me, I am hiring monkeys as my ushers.
"Capt. Bubby Yum-Yums, will you please take grandma to her seat?"
(Monkey noises)
"No humping, no humping, that's a bad Bubby Yum-Yums!"
It's gonna be awesome.
So needless to say, I was less than thrilled at this prospect. But I soon discovered that he didn't want me as a lowly usher, but instead gave me a real job. I get to marry him.
Can I get an Amen?
I was honored and I got to say, a little drunk on power.
I mean, the state of Colorado was giving me " the guy who is banned from several buffets " the power to marry people. I admit it, I may have taken it too far.
I started performing random marriages, you know, just for practice. Those (female) co-workers in accounting, that guy in front of me and the Wal-Mart checker, those two squirrels.
But now, I've dedicated myself to taking my responsibility seriously. I went and bought a new suit, got my shoes professionally shined and wrote some touching remarks for the ceremony that include very little bathroom humor.
I have been surprised at how accepting people are of me serving as an officiant.
Many times, when I tell people I get to be a reverend, they immediately say, "Lord let us pray."
Yet in all seriousness, I'm a little afraid I'll screw up (or burst into flames when I walk in) so right now I'm just hoping I survive the ceremony and make it to the reception.
Where, as the Bible says, "Jarid, on the side of the Lord, begot drunk."
Got a good wedding story? Tell me about it.