I am in desperate need of some skills.
Something to inspire wonder and gain me points in my attempt to successfully woo women, because those phone calls are gettin' expensive.
Right now, no skills. Nada. Zip.
Before you start the hippie-fied cooing about how everyone is unique and beautiful, mute Oprah for a minute and let me explain.
Everyone has a guilty pleasure, be it food, bubble baths, that hole in your roommate's shower, whatever.
It's a universal commonality. Mine happens to be stupid teeny-bopper romantic comedies. "Ten Things I Hate About You," "Can't Hardly Wait," movies like that.
Hey, don't judge me there, peepy.
If my long nights spent in the dark (alone) have taught me anything, it's that to win the girl before the credits roll, you got to have skills.
Something to inspire shock and awe. Something unexpected that can be pulled out at just the appropriate time to seal the deal. But more so, it's the ability to spin run-of-the-mill into memorable. You get extra points for obscurity, simplicity and originality.
Think juggling, swing dancing, rare magic tricks or an amazing feat. You don't have to have a lot, but the difference between stars in her eyes and those Star Wars figures in your basement will come down to the skills.
The best proof I can offer comes from my new personal role model, the guy from "Hitch," played by Will Smith. He's smooth, understands women, and has mad skills.
I would be willing to bet every man in America has wanted to perform the scene where he gets the girl's attention by pretending she is the waitress. Classic, massive "Man Points" for that operation.
Right now, I'm the sidekick from "Ten Things I Hate About You." That's right, the AV kid with the Izod knockoff. I am one Letterbox Edition away from buying a Tercel. Yep, that's a Toyota.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not completely inept. I gots me some mad skills, but they are more the "useful" than the "incredible" variety. I'm like good with the words and stuff. People tell me I can be charming and I can cook without fire department intervention.
Yet, none of them help me in the trenches.
Pretty words don't equate to jaw-dropping, inhibition-losing, magic-kingdom-key-granting power. Great love stories aren't predicated on a silver tongue. Action breeds, well, action.
I thought about learning card tricks, but who always carries a pack of cards? Followers of The Force, that's who.
"Long ago in a galaxy far, far away..."
I considered taking ballroom dancing lessons. Then again, a single guy showing up to dancing lessons without a partner is awkward and usually results in the forced pairing with a woman named Edith who loves snickerdoodles, has holiday outfits for her cats and thinks movies peaked with "The King and I" (Yul Brynner, killer skills, by the way).
This little problem worries me. My confidence lies shattered on the floor next to those eggs from the "juggling phase."
So, it is with a heavy heart and the Millennium Falcon scale model on back-order that I continue my search. Until my skill emerges, I fear I will pass the time with brainless romantic comedies on the television, and sticky hands ... 'cause model glue just does not come off.
Got a skill that works in the dating trenches? Tell me about it.