Pistol-packin' teachers ... imagine the possibilities

The theory is that insane people don't go on shooting sprees around people who have weapons.

- Sen. Bob Beers, R-Clark County

If you think that a Democrat cannot acknowledge a good idea from a Republican, hold on to your hat. I laud Sen. Bob Beers, who came up with a winner when he proposed that classroom teachers and school personnel be permitted to carry guns on school grounds.

According to the Bob Beers Blog, "Students (or unauthorized adults) would be less likely to bring guns on campus if they knew there were responsible and armed adults around."

Beers birthed this brilliant idea after reading about incidents of gun violence by Clark County School District students. Because more than a dozen guns had been confiscated from district students in 2006, Beers concluded that prohibiting guns in schools does not work. Thus, he logically inferred that carrying guns in schools would work. Who can argue with such careful analysis?

His proposal met opposition from narrow-minded sissies like Clark County School District Superintendent Dr. Walt Rulffes, CCSD Police Chief Hector Garcia and the Metro Police Department. What do they know?

To counter skepticism, Beers argues that Israel ought to be our model of school safety: "They started allowing school teachers and administrators to be armed, and they have not had a single incidence of gun violence on campus since." If it's good enough for the peaceful Middle East, it's good enough for Nevada.

Think of the possibilities. Carson High's banner could read: "We pack heat!" If arch-rival Douglas High students aimed to pull a prank on game night, CHS personnel could accidentally shoot out their car windows. That would teach those silly pranksters never to use spray paint again!

And have you ever seen a middle school bathroom at day's end? I get a warm, fuzzy feeling knowing that facilities personnel would be packing service weapons as they worked on yet another toilet clogged with cigarettes and who-knows-what.

Not to worry, though. Beers assures us that "the program is entirely voluntary," so not everyone will take advantage of their right-to-carry. Although teachers may balk at the proposal, my guess is that school bus drivers will be first in line, and at about the same time they acquire weapons, I suspect school bus videotapes will begin experiencing mysterious erasures. We may never know how little Johnny Bigmouth got his kneecap blown off.

In fairness to Sen. Beers, he insists that school personnel be thoroughly trained to prevent accidents. In fact, his plan calls for weapons training that "would exceed law enforcement training standards." I wonder who would be in charge if the SWAT team shows up.

Beers further reassures us that "since permission to carry would require a more rigorous qualification process than cops go through, any such immaturity (such as teachers using their guns for discipline) would not be likely to qualify. Most teachers are perfectly normal people." That sure makes me feel better.

To allay any lingering doubts, Beers details the training teachers would receive: "As a public service, Front Sight [a firearms training institute] plans to offer Nevada teachers, at no charge, a 40-hour concealed-carry, armed-teacher training course involving classroom lectures, range drills under time pressure from 3 meters to 25 meters, and live-fire tactical simulators." Awesome!

I'm especially looking forward to the lectures on "Five Step Presentation from the Holster" and "Speed versus Accuracy" (I vote for speed). The course concludes with "Moral and Ethical Decisions Associated with the Use of Deadly Force." Beers has thought of everything.

Of course, there would be small details to work out: Should kindergarten teachers, trying to create a positive classroom environment, carry Nerf-ball guns? Certainly middle school teachers would eagerly carry pellet guns, and high school teachers would need something a bit more authoritative, like M16s. When teachers send a student to the principal's office, would the principal need to have a bigger weapon, like a bazooka?

The upside is how easy grievance resolution will be: If a student wants to argue that he or she deserves a higher grade on a composition, say, the teacher won't have to say a word. She'll just happen to be cleaning her weapon when the student drops by her office; then she'll rapidly reassemble it while maintaining eye contact with the enemy ... I mean, the student ... and then she'll smartly fire off a round at the paper target in the shape of a student conveniently located in the teachers' lounge. "How may I help you?" she'll say (student success is always uppermost in a teacher's mind). Carrying a weapon may be the answer to that pesky grade-inflation problem.

I'm not the only one who recognizes the foresight of Sen. Beers. The Washington Post's Dec. 15 OFF/beat column gave the good senator its Smoking Gas Attendant Award for "Potentially Deadly Idea." This honor gives Sen. Beers an automatic bid in OFF/beat's Idiot of the Year Award for 2006. I can hardly wait for the results.

Gosh - it occurs to me that if students survive high school, I'll have to decide what weapon I, as a college instructor, should carry. I'm considering the M16A4 rifle, whose barrel is designed to accept the M203 grenade launcher, but I'm open to suggestions.

• Marilee Swirczek lives, works, and does not carry a concealed weapon in Carson City.