On Mother's Day don't forget the Chapstick

Scams and Fraud Class: Noooo, not HOW to do it, but how to keep from being scammed and defrauded. Since the first class was poorly attended, Wells Fargo is going to repeat what Jan McCauley, of Colonial Bank said previously, and will be giving another class at the Senior Center from 10-11 a.m. May 17. Call 883-0703 for details.

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Bits and Pieces: DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask Maizie for tips on the Preakness or Belmont. She picked three of the last four horses in the Derby. Saturday, USPS letter carriers will be having a food drive ... please leave some nonperishable food on your doorstep by your mailbox, and they will pick it up. All food collected will go to local food banks. And very happy birthdays to Suzie Lequerica, Riley Dunn and Dean Heller.

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Welcome to Father Chuck Durante, and congratulations on being named the new pastor of St. Teresa. But just so he knows what he's getting into, we have the following "purported" story about Sister Marie McGloin from Connie Lord ... "seems Sister Marie was making her rounds to home-bound patients, when she ran out of gas about a block from a service station. As luck would have it, the station owner told her someone had borrowed their gas can, but would be right back with it. Rather than wait, Sister went back to her car, got a bed pan, returned to the station and had them fill it with gas. As she was pouring it into the tank, two men were watching her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'"

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We think it's a crock for people to say, "If you don't support the war, you don't support the troops." That's like saying, "If you don't support cancer, you don't support the patient." Bull ... ony. We fully support our troops, but we don't support this war in Iraq, knowing it should have been concentrated in Afghanistan. With potholes in our roads, healthcare down the tubes, education bursting at the seams, does anyone wonder where the money's going? Why, "Iraqi freedom," of course.

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Connie Lord had another one for us this week: "An elderly couple was attending church, but about halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?' 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'"

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"Operation USO Care Package" will be taking place at the North Town Plaza (the old K-Mart parking lot) from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturday. They'll have free hot dogs and sodas and ask you to come and make a donation for a USO care package and write a personal message to the troops. There will be military equipment on display and lots of fun things to do. After you've done that, come down to the Nevada State Railroad Museum for the first steam-up of the year. Hours are 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. A good way to spend the Mother's Day weekend.

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Shellie Schroeder heard about this one: "A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a very young doctor. After a couple of minutes, she burst out of the room and went screaming down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the trouble was. He told her to wait in another room as he went into the young doctor's office and said, 'Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?' The younger doctor continued writing and, without looking up, said, 'Does she still have the hiccups?'"

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Wild Horse Productions is bringing a four-week TV acting and production workshop beginning today for children and adults at the Children's Museum of Northern Nevada. Four-time Emmy award winning producer and director, Sheldon I. Altfeld, and Temma Keatan-Hammond, with 40 years of experience in the film and TV business, will be conducting the classes. If you "vant to be a star," call 887-0438 for times, details, and cost.

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If you like good bad puns, here is one from DeeAnn Parsons (no doubt these people are related to Carolyn): "Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Co. of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, 'He who has a Tates is lost.'" We can't end there ... she had another: "Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled." Boooo ... hisssss ...

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WNCC's "Thoroughly Modern Millie" starts 7:30 p.m. Friday at the Community Center (445-4249); and the Brewery Arts Center presents Sierra Nevada Ballet's, "The Unicorn, the Gorgon and the Manticore," for one night only on Friday (883-1976), also at 7:30 p.m.

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Carolyn wants to know why yogurt tops spit yogurt at you when you open them? Just asking.

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On this upcoming Mother's Day, Mollie Sanders had a favorite story for us: "A mother, on Mother's Day, was rushing to get her family to church. She put the baby in the car, and scurried around to find her 3-year-old son Eli (who happened to love her Chapstick) in the bathroom putting Chapstick on the cat's tush. As she was taking this in, he looked up at her innocently and said, 'Chapped.' The mother had to agree that it did look chapped but, then as she got into the car, she wondered if this was the first time he'd used it this way, or the hundredth. It became her favorite Mother's Day memory of visualizing how many times she'd used the Chapstick and how many times Eli had used it on the cat's butt." Oy vey ...

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And a Happy Mother's Day to all ... we hope you all have fond memories of your moms.

• Carolyn Tate and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write to them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.