Let me give you a little insight into the daily life of Jarid.
I arise every morning at 6:35 a.m., most of the time by being gently shaken by Kate.
She nudges. I cuss and roll over. She shakes harder. I protest. She pulls back the covers. I swear I'm breaking up with her. She says bribery will get me nowhere.
It's a cute little game we play.
From there, I settle into my morning routine. Everyday is close to the same because if something drastically different happens " the whole day is ruined.
Completely and unquestionably ruined, like finding out Jessica Simpson is a lesbian.
OK fine, "allegedly" a lesbian.
Man, I remember this one day I ran out of coffee and didn't realize it until I went to make some. That was not a good day " just ask the nice police officer who caught me sucking on lids at Starbucks.
Anyway, there is one day a week that is just a little bit better than the rest, which is Thursday.
You see on Thursday Kate gets to read my column. Most of the time, she gives me good feedback and then we continue with our day.
Notice I said "most of the time."
Last week the reaction was a little stronger than normal.
As you may recall, I wrote about my dilemma on what to do with my tax rebate.
So Kate sits down, she's got her cereal and she starts to read my musings for the week. Soon she arrives at the line that says, "I mean come on, $600 is a lot of money for a single guy just getting started in a career ..."
She gets an annoyed look on her face. (Trust me, I am an expert of that look, having seen it more times than Jake Gyllenhal hears gay cowboy jokes.)
"Hey, you aren't single."
Now, I wish to pause at this juncture and point out I was tired, hadn't had coffee and was caught off guard. Needless to say, I did not handle this comment appropriately.
What I should have said: "Honeylips, you know it's just a descriptor and not how I feel in my heart." (Ding, correct answer!)
What actually happened: I looked down at my hands and (sarcastically) said, "Oh, my ring must have fallen off. Hmmmm."
All I can say in relation to what happened immediately following this response is that I hope they grow back.
It wasn't meant as a slight to her, it's just a different way of thinking that exists between men and women. To men, there are four classifications when it comes to relationships.
Single, married, widowed and dead.
For women there are 27, all of which have their own anniversary and precious moment attached that will be used against us.
A girlfriend once told me I was betrothed " which I thought meant more antibiotics. No, just stage 11 on our "journey together."
Now, to answer the questions about my much simpler system that I know are coming:
What about engaged? It's a made up state of being, concocted to mean "basically married but not really." No ring, no license " still single.
What about divorced? Single again. People (without external genitals) like to classify divorced as its own separate status. The logic is it is better than single because it means you were able to participate in a long-term committed relationship.
Right up until you weren't. Remind me, how is that better than single?
This by the way, also answers all the "special" people who have spent the last two weeks telling me how my column can't be the Party of One anymore.
My response is always the same:
"I am, and always will be, a party all by myself. Having Kate just gives me an audience."
Not to mention a reason to cuss at 6:36 a.m.
Are there other classifications? Tell me about it on the Party of One blog at www.nevadaappeal.com/partyofone
- Jarid Shipley is the Features Editor for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him a jshipley@nevadaappeal.com or 881-1217.