I have some sad news to report " Kate has been cheating on me.
I discovered it when I came home the other day, only to find her running her hands through his long black hair.
I don't know what she sees in him. He eats her food, only wants lovin' on his terms and makes her tear up on a regular basis and she adores him for it.
I mean sure, he's covered in hair and only about a foot tall, but I'm still a little jealous.
That's what relationships do " they make you jealous of a cat.
To be honest, I should have seen it coming, but I was still shocked when I came home from work the other day to find a barrier between the kitchen and the living room.
Perhaps I should back up and explain how I should have seen this coming.
Kate has always maintained that she is not an animal person. She doesn't like critters, never had them as a child and has no desire to include a family pet in her future family unit.
In the beginning, I believed this odious lie.
You see, there is a gang of wild cats that roam the area around our apartment complex. At last count, there are seven of them, which I believe constitutes a gang.
While I have no proof, I imagine they spend their days trolling for food, beating up the house cats and perhaps occasionally breaking into song " Broadway style.
Never "Memories" though, they are better than that.
Now most of the time they are only mildly annoying, scurrying from under cars and leaving little muddy footprints on my hood.
But then one of them took it a step further.
This little black cat with white paws began " as Kate put it " stalking her.
Sidenote: When girlfriend is stressed, asking "stupid questions" is not the best idea.
Then, just to prove God has a sense of humor, the cat figured out if it went to the patio, there was a giant glass door to watch the pretty blonde girl.
So we are enjoying dinner one evening and Kate glances out the window to see this little black face staring at her.
"Oh my God, he's watching us ... (wait for it, wait for it) ... aw, he looks cold."
It was then I should have realized that soon this cat would become a part of our lives.
Why? Because Kate gets off work at 5 p.m. and Jarid gets off work at 6:30 p.m., which means Kate is at home " with the cat who looks "cold" " for 1.5 hours.
This is not good.
Several days later, I come home to find a box of cat food and a new cat dish sitting on the counter of our kitchen.
"Honeybunny, what's this?"
"Jackson looked hungry."
That's right, she named the black cat with the white paws Jackson " after Michael Jackson " and began feeding it.
I must stop the story at this point to give props to this cat, because he totally played a very, very smart woman.
Played her like a violin.
Which leads me back to several days ago when I came home to the barrier.
Now, me being me, my first thought was, "Oh God, she officially thinks I'm fat and is now barricading the food in some sort of extreme diet plan."
Oh no, she had enticed the cat into the house using chicken wings and was now letting him explore the kitchen.
I looked at her, looked at the cat and then back to her only to hear, "He was shivering. He likes the chicken wings."
Pl-ay-ed her like a violin.
So now the girl who swore she wasn't an animal person is using the baby voice to talk to Jackson (who now comes when you shake the food box).
Why does this bother me? This cat has it better than I do. She feeds him, pets him and gives him attention and all he has to do to get away is suddenly get scared and run out the door.
Lucky bastard.