Some reasons to celebrate and smile

If a person is going straight to Hell and they know it, we offer you this joke from Eleanor Harbert that'll help you along: "Hundreds of years ago, the Pope declared that all Jews would have to leave Italy or convert. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered the Jews a deal ... if he could debate the smartest rabbi in Italy, and the rabbi won the debate, the Jews could remain. The Jews agreed, and, since their aged and wise rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed to a 'silent debate.' On the chosen day, they sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one. Then the Pope waved his finger around his head, and the rabbi pointed to the ground. Finally, the Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten and that the Jews could stay. Later, the cardinals asked the Pope what had happened. He said, 'First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity, but he held up one to remind me there is only one God. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him God was all around us, but he pointed to the ground to show me that God was right here with us. Finally, I took out a wafer and wine to show that God has absolved us of our sins ... but he took out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move, and I could not continue.' Meanwhile, the Jews asked the Rabbi how he had won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First he told me I had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said we'd be staying right here.' 'Then what?' a woman asked. 'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'"

•••

Saturday is the Ides of March, so it's Toga Time! And St. Patrick's Day is Monday, so go and enjoy corned beef and cabbage almost everywhere (we're going to Mallard's). Also say Happy Birthday to Dorothy Tate, whom John Ascuaga says is the "pretty one" of the Tate girls. Frankly, John, Maizie says you'd better beware the Ides of March and watch out for the "other" Tate girls. Scary. But, thanks for all the crab you donated to the St. Teresa's crab feed ... it was delicious. In fact, there's been a religious feeding frenzy if you include the great spaghetti dinner the young Mormon ladies put on the week before. A person could survive just going to "holy happenings" here in Carson City.

•••

So, the government is spending $42 million just to send us letters telling us that we're getting monetary "incentives" in the mail soon. Since most of us know we're getting them, and others could just be pleasantly surprised, don't they know that money could be better spent on potholes, schools, or healthcare, instead of pouring it down the drain telling us how nice they are to send us money? Washington, D.C., is indeed LaLaLand.

•••

In case anyone was wondering ... the roadwork on Hwy. 50 East is being done to widen the lanes approaching the new freeway. So now you know.

•••

Vern Manke informs us that a dog is truly man's best friend ... and, if you don't believe it, just try this experiment: "Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?" (we're surprised he's still alive at this point).

•••

The bank account number at Wells Fargo for the late Ben Oxley's daughter, Alyssa, is #9372308909. We didn't have it last week. Also, our sympathies go out to the Virginia Ramirez and Margaret Hardeman Montes families on the death of their father.

•••

Lots of good things happening this week: Sol' Jibe is appearing at D'Vine Wine on Thursday from 6-9 p.m. (one of our personal faves); BAC Stage Kids "Snow White" will open on Friday at the Brewery Arts Center at 7 p.m. (883-1976 for details) ... their shows are always adorable; the Mile High Jazz Band will perform at Comma Coffee tonight from 8-10 p.m. (great music and it's FREE); and Joanie's Creekside Deli is now open for breakfast and lunch on Saturdays ... yum.

•••

It's always nice to hear of people going above and beyond, then getting recognized for their work. Wanda Beckman tells us that Bill Knight and Doyle Hanks, both of Carson City, were each given the Silver Beaver award by the Boy Scouts of America. It is the highest honor the Nevada Area Council can bestow. Congratulations and continued good work.

•••

We're sorry to see that Dave Stultz is retiring as sexton of Lone Mountain Cemetery. He's done a great job and was always helpful to anyone that needed assistance. We hope he has a great retirement.

•••

Since we're always going to hell in a handbasket, why should this week be any different? A reader told us "if the Gibbons get divorced, he hopes Dawn gets the mansion." We want the best for both of them, no matter what, but had to admit that was pretty funny. Probably a Democrat.

•••

FYI: There's a laboratory in town called Cash Clinical, at 2310 S. Carson, that does lab tests at reduced rates. We know of a person who went to one of the other labs, was told the fee would be $179, but (and it was nice of them to refer her), that if she went to Cash Clinical, it would probably be less. It was. The test cost $40 ... in cash. If you're not covered by insurance, this might be a viable alternative. Their number is 883-4000. Also, if you want your free annual credit report, call 1-877-322-8228. You are entitled to this once a year; or you can go to www.annualcreditreport.com and get it.

•••

Thoughts for the week: from Terry Beauchamp: "Did you ever notice when you put the two words, 'the' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'theirs?'" And from Lucy Adams: "Some people are like Slinkys. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs." Enjoy your week.

• Carolyn Tate and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write to them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.