A little over a century ago Mark Twain wrote “The Diary of Adam and Eve,” In what started off as a series of separately published short stories, Twain mused about what the diary entries from the Earth’s original inhabitants might have been. It wasn’t his most famous work but it was pure creative genius.
I am neither creative nor genius but I am a huge fan of Mark Twain so, as a form of tribute (and because of a total lack of original ideas) I thought I might speculate diary entries from some more recent public figures. Forgive me, Mr. Twain.
George A. Custer, June 1876: “Washington beat Cornwallis, Jackson chased the British out of New Orleans and Grant defeated Robert E. Lee, for goodness sake!! Tomorrow I’m going to wipe out some schmuck named “Sitting Bull” ... how will I ever get famous?”
President Jimmy Carter, February 1977: “I’ve only been in office a month but I think things are going pretty well so far ....”
Harry Frazee (owner of the Boston Red Sox), January 1920: “Sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees today, got enough cash to finance my new play. The guy is washed up, what could possibly go wrong?”
Billy Bob Thornton, July 2002: “Angelina filed for divorce today ... oh well, I can do better....”
Saddam Hussein, August 1990: “ Invaded Kuwait today…I doubt anyone will notice.”
President Bill Clinton, January 1998: “Had a beer with my brother Roger last night, I think he’s right ... the best way to handle this whole Lewinsky scandal is to go with the old ‘deny, deny, deny’ strategy. This whole thing will blow over in no time…”
Julia Roberts, June 1993: “Woke up this morning next to Lyle Lovett ... wearing a wedding ring ... Oh crap! I’ll never drink tequila again!!”
Anthony Weiner, July 2012: “Did a little more “sexting” tonight; even sent a few more pictures of “Big Tony.” Already resigned from Congress, so what the heck, what’s the harm?”
President George W. Bush, June 2001: “Arrived in Crawford for another vacation. Shoot, I thought being president would be hard ... so far it’s just like being governor ... I just sign where they tell me and smile for the camera…hey look; a lightning bug, I like them lightning bugs!”
Hillary Clinton, January 2008: “ I’ve got this nomination in the bag!! I told Bill to measure the White House for curtains…he didn’t even know what I was talking about…Putz!!!”
Tiger Woods, November 2009: “I’m the best golfer in the world, I’ve got a gorgeous wife, a perfect family and a secret lady in every city on tour. Life is good ... uh oh, here comes Elin; she seems mad ... wonder what’s bothering her?”
Wesley Snipes, April 2008: “Taxes, I don’t pay no stinking taxes! I’m Wesley Freakin’ Snipes ... what are they going to do to me?”
President Barack Obama, November 2008: “They love me ... they really, really love me!”
A former Disney executive, January 2012: “ I’ve got a great idea! Let’s make a Lone Ranger Movie! People love movies based on 1950’s TV shows! Better yet, let’s cast Johnny Depp as Tonto! We’ll make millions!”
Alex Smith, April 2011: “The team drafted some kid named Kaerper ... something out of Nevada to be my back-up today. Whew! At least my job is safe!”
Rick Seley, September 1981: “My divorce is final today! I’ll never get married again!”
Rick Seley, September 1986: “Married a goddess today! I’ll never get divorced again!”
Rick Seley, August 2013: “I need to shut the heck up…”
And I think I will.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist.