It’s been too long since I played journalist Judge, something I invented a few years ago after watching one too many episodes of Judge Judy on TV. If there is money to be made as a TV Judge, then why not as a Barrister of the newspaper, or as I like to call it: Judge Rick!
The first case before Judge Rick today involves an interior decorator accused of manslaughter after “she” (the gender of the perpetrator is still a bit in question ... really) injected a couple of tubes of household sealant into the buttocks of a suburban housewife. The alleged victim subsequently died as the sealant broke down into her blood stream and clotted in her lungs. Who knew that caulking your butt was lethal?
I have many questions: What kind of sick jerk/wench (as yet to be determined) would chase down a perfect stranger, restrain her then inject her backside with home improvement products? Why don’t we know if the defendant is a man or a woman? Why isn’t Nancy Grace all over this story.
The answers come in reverse order; Nancy Grace may well be all over this story ... I admit that I would rather get a full body wax then get thrown into a pool of aftershave than watch Nancy Grace do whatever she does. The defendant has not yet completed gender reassignment, so Patricia is still about half Patrick. Finally, the victim in this case actually made an appointment and paid Pat to take the caulking gun to her bum in hopes of creating a “bubble butt’ and start a career in Hip Hop videos. You can’t make this stuff up.
Judge Rick’s verdict: While owning a caulking gun makes you a well-equipped interior decorator; it does not qualify you to perform medical procedures ... even on morons. Much like the case of the idiot who died trying to get on the Discovery Channel by spooning a hibernating grizzly, this is clearly a case of death by stupidity! Pat is NOT GUILTY!!
Next we have the case of a beauty queen accused of potential domestic terrorism! An 18 year-old who was recently crowned Miss Riverton, Utah, was arrested along with three of her friends for detonating at least nine explosive devices.
It seems that, despite the plethora of wholesome entertainment available to teenagers in your average small town in Utah, these desperados manufactured “explosives” out of plastic soda bottles, aluminum foil and undisclosed household chemicals and threw them out of a car window.
Local law enforcement officials noted that these devices were ”potentially lethal” and this was more than a teenaged fireworks prank. Really? Even a teaspoon is “potentially lethal” if you jab the handle in my jugular but less of a public nuisance than your average beauty pageant.
Judge Rick’s verdict: The real crime here is that the Barney Fife brigade in Riverton, Utah, doesn’t have a Sherriff Taylor to keep them under control. Our beauty queen is NOT GUILTY of terrorism but she is guilty of littering. I sentence her to be judged by the Miss Utah pageant officials. May God have mercy on her soul because I doubt those ladies will!
The last issue on the docket today a class action case against the sports columnists who keep harping on and on about how Tiger Woods’ golf game has slipped. These flabby wannabe types continue to whine because Mr. Woods has not won a major tournament since his famous sex scandal back in 2009.
A quick look at the evidence shows that they are exactly right. Since being publically filleted by these same hacks for his non-sports related personal failings as a human being ... it has taken Tiger a few years regain his dominance of the golf tour.
On the other hand he has managed to win five tournaments so far this year and regain his standing as the number one golfer in the world.
Judge Rick’s verdict: A gag order is issued to anyone who isn’t Sam Snead or Jack Nicklaus forbidding comments regarding Mr. Woods’ ability to “win the big one.” An exception is offered to any sports writer who is willing to expose his private life to the same scrutiny that Tiger endured, and then subsequently win the Pulitzer Prize for an article on public humiliation.
Then again, the only thing less interesting than watching golf is reading about golfers…so who cares?
Time to fire up the blender! Court is adjourned.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist.