Guide to American masculinity

I have often used this forum to dispense unsolicited advice about the proper expression of masculinity in modern society. More to the point I continue to resist the “wussification” (a word I made up because the word I should use is inappropriate for this newspaper) of American men by sharing helpful hints about what is and is not manly behavior.

While driving my truck to work today (driving, working and owning a truck are all manly activities), I heard a commercial on the radio claiming that testosterone levels in American men have been dropping for the last two generations. They offered a pill full of “manly powder” that they claimed would help butch us up a bit.

The commercial claimed that this magic tablet would, “increase your stamina during workouts, in the gym, on the job and in the bedroom.” Among real men this is known as pure BS.

Lesson number one: If you’re a wussy-boy (if you need me to define wussy-boy, you probably are one) taking a pill is not going to help you grow a pair. If that hard fact hurts your feelings ... tough s@$t; real men can handle the truth.

Lesson number two: A real man hits the gym because you never know when you might be called upon to run a covert operation in some low-rent country so it pays to be in shape, you work until the job is done because it’s your freakin’ job and your bedroom prowess is legendary (as far as anyone else knows) so you do don’t need some magic pill ... stamina my butt.

Lesson number three: I have already out lived my grandpa and my dad, I have one son who was an NCAA Division I wrestler and another who can bench press a Buick, so don’t give me that nonsense generational testosterone loss.

Lesson number four: Taking a pill, any pill, will never make you a better man. If you’re a tubby little wussy-boy, get off your ever widening backside and do something that involves sweating ... you’ll find anything worth doing involves working up a sweat if you do it well. If you’re having trouble with your love life try getting a job and showering regularly; amazingly women are more attracted to a well groomed employed guy than they are to a slob with a testosterone pill.

Lesson number five: If you want to be a man, eat like a man. Real men don’t subsist on fast food and energy drinks. Men eat meat. We eat thick porterhouse steaks that we grill ourselves and wash it down with the cold beer of our choice (real men are not swayed by beer commercials or drug store coupons.) Men drink coffee; black coffee from the same mug every morning. If you find yourself ordering a tall skinny diet pumpkin frappe mocha, go ahead and put on your sweatpants and tune in Dr. Phil because you, my friend, are a wussy-boy!

Lesson number six: Real men are not afraid to accept responsibility for their actions. When you screw up, and if you’re a man you’re going to screw up, look your sweetheart straight in the eye and make a heartfelt sincere denial of all wrong doing, she might but it. When she calls your bluff, if your sweetheart is a woman she’s going to call your bluff, look her straight in the eye and give her a heartfelt sincere apology. Confess to everything you did then take your punishment like a man.

It’s been my experience that if you look directly at her and try to remember every member of your eighth-grade football team she will mistake the concentration in your eyes for actual concern for her feelings and let you off easy. If you experience actual concern for her feelings, refer to lesson number five and tune in Dr. Phil.

In a these times when too many young men are brought up without a proper male role model, it genuinely concerns me when I hear of guys waxing their bodies, driving scooters or wearing skinny jeans. We come from a proud heritage of rugged dudes like Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and Madeleine Albright ... we have a tradition to uphold.

I, for one, won’t stand idly by and watch the wussification of America happen without doing everything within my power to set these kids straight. I’ll dedicate as much time and energy as Sandra will let me to teach these youngsters to be real American men ... it’s the least I can do.

Rick Seley is LVN’s humor columnist.