A politically correct Christmas

I have wondered for some time what Christmas is like at a politically correct liberal’s house. Just for fun, I decided to try a totally politically correct Christmas. It looks like I am off to a bad start, I should have said Holiday Season.

First, the Christmas — oops, I mean Holiday, tree. Oh, what to select. There is the ever-popular freshly cut evergreen tree. But if I choose that one, will I upset the ecological balance? Will that bring climate change one day closer? What will my friends think? Nope, that choice is out.

What about an artificial tree? Won’t that help those greedy corporations? Besides, artificial trees use materials that are mined or manufactured, again bringing catastrophic climate change one step closer.

After some thought, I opted for recycled PVC pipe glued together in the shape of a tree. True, making the pipe is harmful to the environment, but I used recycled so that makes it all right. I finished off the tree with a good coat of eco-friendly green paint.

Now to decorate the tree. These must be chosen carefully, not only for environmental concerns but to be sure I don’t offend anyone. Using manufactured decorations will offend the environmental crowd. Homemade ornaments might offend those less talented in the crafts. I opted for candy sticks, not canes since there might be some religious connotation there. I added some natural pine needles from the ground. Instead of the traditional star to top it, I used a recycled tennis ball.

While decorating the tree, I thought some Holiday music might be nice. Again, a dilemma arose. I couldn’t listen to old standards like “Silent Night” or “We Three Kings” because they reflect Christian beliefs. “Little Drummer Boy” is also on the edge of having Christian overtones. “White Christmas” might be construed as racist. “Jingle Bells” promotes animal abuse.

After much thought, I settled on two that might not offend anyone important. First is “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”: after all, the only ones that should offend are old people, and who cares about them? My second choice was “Frosty the Snowman,” which might offend true global warming diehards but few others. Try listening to those two songs over and over.

Now for gifts. I couldn’t get my wife jewelry or kitchenware as that might stereotype her. I thought about a Prius but they are too expensive. A bicycle might make her mad, implying she needs to lose weight. I never did get this one resolved, but I did get her a copy of “Rules for Radicals.”

Gifts for friends and co-workers are also a problem. If I get my secretary, I mean clerical administrator, candy, flowers, or an ornamental centerpiece, that might send a message of unwanted sexual connotations. Wine, scotch, or other traditional spirits might imply a drinking problem. Money might send a message that they are willing to accept bribes. Meat and cheese trays will offend vegetarians. Oh, what to do? I finally settled on gift certificates to Starbucks. That should work, they even have cool Holiday cups that don’t even mention Christmas.

Phew! I finally had everything done. This left me some time. To use my free time, I went cruising around checking public places for any sign of Nativity scenes or Christmas decorations that had religious implications. After all, you just can’t trust a government that is not liberal. Those dastardly conservatives might try to sneak in a cross, or worse, a Star of David. By the way, that reminded me to check for signs of Jewish Hanukah items as well.

As a reminder, Dec. 2 was the start of Ramadan, which is the Muslim holiday that forbids eating, drinking, and sex during daylight hours. Of course, since Islam is the religion of peace no oversight is required.

There you have it. I survived a politically correct Holiday Season. I will be better prepared for next year. That assumes that what is considered PC (am I now qualified to use that acronym?) won’t change by then. But of course it will, depending on PC public opinion. There is one thing I learned. I now better understand why liberals want to change how Christmas is celebrated. It is a lot of work to be politically correct during the holidays.

Come to think of it, being politically correct is just too much effort. I think I will revert back to a traditional Christmas celebration. God bless you and Merry Christmas to all.

Tom Riggins’ column appears every other Friday. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.