I’ve been out of the country for a while and haven’t had the chance to keep up with the news or share the real news with you, my loyal reader (thanks Mom, I can always count on you).
I realize that the mainstream media keeps you saturated with news about how Hillary, The Donald and Bernie are criminals with their own secret agenda for ruining America. The real news hounds among you may even be up to speed on where it is and is not legal to take a whiz in North Carolina; I’m not sure but I think you have to show your birth certificate before you can use a port-a-potty at a concert in Raleigh these days, but like I said, I’ve been out of touch for a while.
As your source for news of the things that truly don’t matter, I did some quick research to catch us all up on the stories about stupid things that people do to prove that there are people dumber than the rest of us.
The first story I came across was about a Burger King in Coon Rapids, Michigan. The fact that there is actually a place called Coon Rapids in Michigan is pretty much amusing enough to mention on its own; imagine how fun it would be to speculate on the mane of the name of their high school football team (the Rapid Rodents or the Quick Coons just off the top of my head), but there is a better story here.
Last Saturday the manager of the Coon Rapids Burger King received a call from someone claiming to be from the fire department warning him that there were dangerous levels of high pressure gasses building up in the restaurant and it could explode if they didn’t break out some windows to immediately relieve the pressure.
Being the typical quick thinking man of action that you’d find managing a Burger King on a Saturday night, our hero sprang into action and had his employees break out all of the ground-floor windows in the restaurant. He never asked how the fire department knew that there was a problem or if simply opening a door might help; nope, he broke all of the windows based on a suggestion from a total stranger on the phone. You can’t make this stuff up!
That’s a great story but, as they say on infomercials, “But wait! There’s more!” There was about $10,000 damage cause to a Burger King in Shawnee, OK when employees there received a similar. In Moro Bay, Calif., when a similar caller reported a Burger King gas leak the manager not only had the employees break out the windows but also drove his car into the building just to make sure it was properly ventilated. I’m guessing there was a Donald Trump bumper sticker on his car … just a guess.
In Arizona employees at a Jack in the Box in Tucson and a Wendy’s in Phoenix broke out their windows after receiving warning calls earlier this year. You may think that this is an evil ISIS plot to stop the insidious spread of bacon cheeseburgers in fast food joints across America … and it may be, but one thing I know for sure is that these brave fast food workers showed a rare loyalty by being willing to destroy their workplace in order to save it. These people clearly need to make $15 an hour!
You won’t get this kind of news about the courage and ingenuity of the average America on CNN or Fox! They’re hung up on “important” issues like selecting the next leader of the free world and legal urination in North Carolina.
Apparently there are issues about the proper place to take a dump in California as well but I’ll bet you didn’t hear that on MSNBC. That’s right, earlier this week Mr. Lonale Shaw caught a stranger pinching a loaf on his front lawn. When Mr. Shaw took exception to this unauthorized fertilization of his lawn a fight ensued.
Police subsequently arrested Mr. Shaw for assault with a deadly weapon (just like a Californian to bring a knife to a poop fight). There was no mention of the legal action against the other man; apparently random pooping isn’t illegal in the Golden State.
So now you’re caught up on all the news not worth printing and you can once again feel secure that there are people out there dumber than you. You’re welcome.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.