Almost Clever answers to reader questions

It has been several months since I’ve responded to questions or comments submitted by my readers so, partly due to popular demand, but mostly because I couldn’t think of anything else to write, it’s time for another episode of “Ask Rick.”

It always surprises me when people actually ask me questions about things that matter. I’m just your average, run of the mill award winning humor columnist; why would anyone care what I think about real life? Just this week I received a couple of questions regarding last week’s column about Valentine’s Day; let’s start with those.

Question: Is it possible that in this day and ago of political correctness and gender equality that a semi-articulate mature American man actually believes that women sit on some kind of pedestal and judges the Valentines gifts we receive from the men in our lives?

Answer: Absolutely! I can’t speak for semi-articulate mature American men, but I certainly do.

Question: I’ve been married to my lovely wife for just over eleven years and, after reading your column, I made heated up a couple of pot pies and opened a bag of salad for her on Valentine’s Day. I even cut little hearts in the crust of the pies and bought a box of her favorite wine but she still put on her flannel pajamas at bedtime claiming our marriage lacked romance. Where did I go wrong?

Answer: It’s really hard to say, my friend, it seems to me that you really pulled out all of the stops! I guess there’s just no pleasing some people but here’s a thought; if your wife owns flannel pajamas it might take wine from a bottle to light her romantic fire. I’d buy the big bottle with the screw on cap, there’s no sense spoiling her with the corked stuff, it will only raise her romantic expectations, which already seem pretty high!

Other recent columns generated several questions and comments as well, including ...

Question: Can you really use the word “douchebag” in a newspaper column?

Answer: Apparently. Who knew?

Question: Do you really believe that Donald Trump is capable of opening complex locks and remembering the solutions for up to three years? Is that really a factoid? What about Cruz, Rubio or Sanders, do you think they can open complex locks?

Answer: Whoa! You misread that whole thing; I said it was an example of a factoid was that raccoons were capable of opening complex locks and remembering the solution for years. There’s no way I think Trump or any politician is capable of opening a complex lock or remembering anything complex for a period of years.

Comment: I found your implication that wearing a neatly trimmed beard, skinny jeans and a man-bun made you a hipster and that was somehow not cool very offensive.

Response: I am so sorry! If you thought that was an implication I completely failed to communicate my point; I meant to state that as an absolute fact. For the record hipsters with neatly trimmed beards, man-buns and skinny jeans are not cool.

Comment: It’s so typical of you lame-stream media guys to dismiss the real news that is released on the Internet. You can’t tell me O’Bummer isn’t setting up FEMA death camps in association with the Islamic Brotherhood as directed by the Reptilian Royalty of the Bilderberg Group because I read all about it online.

Response: Wow! How can I argue with that? Just let me point out that I’m a humor columnist and therefore nothing I say matters enough to get upset about. Also, you should be aware that this is 2016 and just by using the phrase “lame-stream media” your argument is rendered invalid; otherwise, solid stuff… well said.

Comment: Dear Mr. Almost Clever, My name is Bailey, and I am 8 years old. My grandpa is very smart and he told not be believe stuff just because I read it in the newspaper. He said that sometimes you are full of poop.

Response: Dear Bailey, Your grandpa is a very wise man, and you should always listen to him.

That pretty much covers the reader feedback I’ve received over the last month … as far as you know. I omitted the usual threats and the stalker requests for personal items (it happens). Please feel free to send all questions and comments to the email address listed below, I’ll probably never see them but that’s OK because I just make this stuff up anyway.

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.