Avoiding Gray Divorce

I have had an on again off again relationship with marriage for the last several years which has cost me a lot of anxiety, frustration and ... well ... money. I never really understood why marital bliss was eluding me or if I was eluding it. It turns out that more and more Americans have been struggling with the “happily ever after” part of marriage, there’s even a name for couples over 50 years old splitting; it’s called “Gray Divorce.”

The term Gray Divorce was coined by researchers from Bowling Green University who found that the number of couples divorcing over the age of 50 had more than doubled between 1990 and 2010. Great, now I was frustrated, confused, broke and a stereotype!

It gets worse. More and more middle-aged Americans have struggled with marriage but stopped short of pulling the trigger on divorce; if “pulling the trigger” seems like a harsh metaphor, you’ve never been divorced. There are so many of us who’ve separated and researched our divorce options but failed to file the papers that we’ve become known on the Internet as “Di-Curious.” Swell.

It would be easy to attribute the increase in middle aged divorce the run-of-the-mill, everyday, garden variety, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all male mid-life crisis. It’s been well documented in movies and modern lore that guys go crazy when they hit middle age, buy some Viagra then turn in their 40 year-old wives for 20 year-olds. It would be easy to do that …except that’s not what’s going on.

It turns out that in most Gray Divorce cases it’s the wife that initiates the divorce. Bam! Take that all of you Dr. Phil watching man hating stereotype believers! According to Professor Stephanie Coontz, women, “expect to find equality, intimacy, friendship, fun and even passion right into what people used to see as the twilight years.” Sheesh! No wonder they’re divorcing at record rates ... there’s just no pleasing these broads!

Dr. Coontz elaborates that women often feel that, “…with the kids gone, it feels more burdensome to stay in a bad relationship, or even one that has grown stale.” I freely acknowledge that I’ve probably been a bad husband and I’m as predicable and stale as Simon Cowell judging a talent show. It’s no wonder I’ve been in a perpetual sense of marital discord.

No one ever told me that after the kids were gone that I’d be expected to be fun, intimate or passionate. I never had to do that stuff before, and it seems unreasonable to change the rules so late in the game!

When discussing divorce men my age often default to the old saying that, “It’s cheaper to keep her.” I have personally used that rationale to keep from strapping on a pair and filing for a divorce when my wife started unreasonably demanding intimacy and passion but now I see that there are two sides to that coin.

If it’s cheaper to keep her, then it stands to reason that is more profitable for her to leave! I’ve never thought of that before! What if women are demanding passion and intimacy from their middle-aged husbands because they can’t lose? If, and it’s a big if, their husbands comply and suddenly become interesting and passionate they score; but if we don’t they file the papers and use their half of the equity in the marital house and pursue their “Eat, Love, Pray” fantasy. It’s a win- win for those clever minxes!

I’m pretty sure I’m onto something here. For the last several months, I’ve decided that I’m sick and tired of whining about my marriage and that it’s time to do something about it. After having done my homework, I set out to be friendly, fun, intimate and even passionate. Suddenly my wife has become friendlier, fun, intimate and passionate herself…and, bam, marital bliss found us!

I can proudly say that I am no longer Di-curious and, though I have no idea what happens next, I’m anxious to find out! I’m proud to report that, as of this writing, I am not another stereotypical Gray Divorce statistic ... yet.

It turns out that passion and intimacy are fun and leave you feeling friendly so there could be something to this whole thing ... who knew?

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.