I just celebrated my five-year wedding anniversary. Does that mean I am no longer a newlywed? I’m just an old married lady, I guess. In some ways, it feels so natural, but I can’t help but feel it’s also surreal.
Having spent the majority of my life – until 41 – as a single person, I may have imposter syndrome about being a wife. In the past, I have shared lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Today, I have an update from the perspective of time.
1. Nobody wins a fight. I made this my No. 1 lesson because it has been the greatest lesson and the hardest lesson for us to learn. We love intensely and fight just the same. Gary gets loud and I get sarcastic. And we can both be mean. But we’ve found we both feel worse in the end. So we decided to stop. And, mostly, we have.
I have a friend who got married shortly after I did. She told me, “My husband and I always wonder what makes other people fight. We can’t imagine what we would ever fight over.” I offered to give her some suggestions to get them started. You could start by asking, “Are you sure that’s the way you want to do it?” anytime your husband starts a project ….
But, the truth is, my friend is right. There is very little worth fighting over.
2. Don’t compare. I don’t think I initially meant to compare our relationship with every other couple I ever saw/met/watched on TV. It’s mostly that I felt like I got started late on the whole marriage concept, so I wasn’t sure I was getting it right.
Should we be planning “date nights”? Do you wish I was more social? Do you wish I made your lunch every day? Do you think I should wait for you to open the car door?
But you have to be careful of those things. Because he’ll answer, “Do you want me to open your car door?” And I’ll say something like, that would be a disaster. It takes you sooo long to turn off the car, get out, I’m sure you’d have to stretch or kick a tire or something before you even got around to my side, I’d have to wait like 17 hours to just get out of the car. In the meantime, I could have run into the store, grabbed what I needed and be out before you got your own door closed.
And then we’d be right back to No. 1.
3. I meant to do five lessons, but, surprise, I’m longwinded, so I’ve run out of room at just three. It’s fine, really, because the longer I’m married, the more I realize there are hard and fast rules. Every couple gets to set their own, and those are subject to change.
Which brings me to the final lesson: It’s nice to have a partner. When I got married, my friend and colleague Cat Allison told me you want to find someone who will be your partner in crime for the rest of your life.
It has taken me this long to understand that. I think it took me a little while to feel like a truly had a partner because it’s hard for me to let my guard down.
But the greatest gift this five-year anniversary has given me is being vulnerable enough to really trust that I have a partner, an ally. He’s seen my worst, and loved me through it. The best is yet to come
