Our Labrador Lily passed away, and our second dog Rose is devastated. She's not eating, not playing like usual and just seems generally depressed. My two children also feel the loss keenly and are pushing for us to adopt another dog to keep Rose company and – I'll be honest – the distraction of a new pet and personality to fill Lily's void is tempting. Is this a path you'd recommend as a professional dog trainer? Is it too soon to consider another dog? When is the right time?
Thanks!
Mark
Dear Mark:
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. Scientific studies confirm that we feel the loss of a family pet with a similar intensity as the loss of a human friend or family member. I send my heartfelt sympathies.
I with work many families who have lost their older dogs due to illness or accidents, and choose to get a new, younger dog in an effort to fill the void. I believe that dogs absolutely feel the loss of their companions – both canine and human – and mourn their absence. Therefore, my advice is given from a place of love, sympathy and experience.
Many American families are multi-dog households. Having more than one dog offers many advantages. Dogs can entertain one another, offer playmates and companionship. They can be different ages and therefore offer different experiences. Young puppies love to play and chase and older dogs are sager and wiser. Dogs can mature with children and accompany them through life events. If you have enjoyed having a second dog, then certainly consider adding another to your family in the future.
In answer to your question of "is it too soon?" I recommend that you take at least a few months to honor and mourn Lily's memory. It sounds like she was an exceptional dog who occupied a much loved position in your family. Take your time navigating the grieving process. It is natural to miss her. Your entire family – canine and human – will be affected by this loss. Even if you have prepared yourself for this loss, such as in the case of chronic illness, or it was thrust upon your lives, such as a car accident, it is still a huge emotional blow. I encourage you to discuss ways to honor and cherish Lily's memory with your family. Creating a memorial, a scholarship or even writing an obituary to post in your family newsletter can be healing ways to process and move forward. Discuss the loss with your children. Speaking with a therapist or another mental health professional can also be an additional resource.
As your family processes this loss, it is also good to give Rose the stability of routine throughout this chaotic time. Your schedules may change. You may forget your usual walks or the memory of playing fetch may be so painful they deter you from your normal jaunts in the park. If you are donating Lily's old belongings to animals in need, or rearranging the household furniture to accommodate one dog bed instead of two, Rose will be confused by these changes. Your family's mourning will add further stressors, especially if you have younger children.
Therefore, routine and quality time will help with Rose's depression and to strengthen her sense of confidence. Try to go for your usual walks and play your usual games. Go out to dog training or on a family adventure hiking in the mountains or to a pet friendly restaurant. Give Rose extra treats and attention, such as an anti-anxiety spa day or a doggy massage. Include her in your usual daily routine of getting the mail, running errands or seeing friends. If she is used to spending her day with Lily, then see if you can drop her off at doggy daycare a few days a week so she can play and relax with other dogs.
As your family and Rose adapts to Lily's loss, your grief will transform into love and fond memories. This is the time to consider adopting another dog. Bringing a new dog into your household in the midst of turbulent emotions can be stressful and a disservice to all involved. The new dog may feel confused by your family's tense emotional state and you may feel guilty trying to fall in love with another dog so soon. You may be overly critical or permissive of your new dog’s actions. Something I hear often from folks is "she's just not the same as my old dog." This can be unfair to the new dog, who is unaware of the huge paws she has to fill.
Rose is also adapting to the change, and as a result may be feeling anxious, clingy, frustrated and confused. This is not the best mindset with which to welcome a new sibling, who will need time, attention and understanding as they also adapt to the change in their lives. Ideally, introducing a new dog to an established one should be done slowly and with care. If one dog becomes uncomfortable the process should be slowed or stopped and the issue worked on with a professional trainer. Both dogs should be in an emotional and mentally stable place. Rushing or forcing one dogs presence upon the other can result in fear, aggression or insecurity.
After a few months, when Rose has adjusted to her new life and your family has processed the loss, then it may be time to consider a new dog. If so, I suggest choosing a dog of similar age to Rose, so she can have a playmate and a friend with the same interests as her. If you choose to get a puppy, I strongly recommend getting a dog who will grow up to be a similar size. Fostering with the possibility of adoption is often a great first step to see how Rose and a second dog thrive together. Temperament testing by a professional is also a great step I strongly recommend prior to committing to a second dog to make sure the newest addition to your family will fit your established lifestyle. Ask the trainer to also temperament test Lilly so you can match her likes and dislikes better: she may prefer quieter, less energetic companions or more active, adventurous friends.
Additionally, discuss with your family what they would like in the new dog. Are you looking for a running partner or a livestock guardian? A pup to sit on your lap and accompany your family on vacations or a pup to train as a therapy dog as an entire family? What qualities did Lily have that you loved and what would be a great fit in your current lives?
Kendall and Chandler Brown are owners of Custom K-9 Service Dogs, a dog training business serving Minden/Gardnerville, Carson and Reno. For information go to customk9servicedogs.com or email customk9servicedogs@gmail.com.