Please! Use caution when selecting holiday gifts

In the last four days, I've had three female friends in three different states ask me for help in picking presents for their boyfriends.

Now, isn't that a switch. For years, girlfriends told me women were vastly superior in picking presents because men lacked the emotional intuitiveness to make presents meaningful. I knew it was a crock; anything that takes that many big words to explain has to be wrong.

Why? Because powerful and definitive statements shouldn't take more than four words.

"It's not contagious."

"It just broke."

"Cut the red wire."

"No, that's a felony."

"You're not the father."

Now, here are three women asking me, an alleged man, for advice.

While I can't directly repeat my advice to them in this forum because it would cause my marathon-running editor to hit me (again), let's just sum it up with "illegal in seven states."

To be honest, the reason I was enlisted to help my female friends is that they are all dating guys like me.

Side note: Funny how they are all attracted to guys like me, but not " as I would have liked " actually me. Yeah, real funny.

Guys are hard to shop for as it is, but guys who have no use for tools, don't wear ties on a regular basis, and aren't devoted to a sports franchise, that's nearly impossible.

While I'm of no help in what to select for your hunk-o-love, I thought I'd offer some advice on what we really don't want.

First, and I'm going to lose major man points for admitting this, but we don't want you to buy something slinky for you to wear as our present. Or for that matter, something slinky for us to wear. Just avoid slinky things all together.

Christmas is not a sex holiday, it's a family holiday, and while we appreciate the 30-45 seconds worth of time when the gift will be in use before it hits the floor, save it for a sexier holiday like Valentine's or Secretary's Day.

Second, please don't frame a picture of us together for our office. We know what you look like " we've probably seen you naked " and most likely don't want the reaction said picture will generate:

"You know, I used to look up to Eduardo, but ever since he put up that picture with the matching gerbil sweaters, I just can't look him in the eye."

Third, don't make us a burned CD " or as old people call it, a "mixed tape" " that is supposed to tell us how you really feel. We know how you really feel. James Blunt doesn't need to remind us. Furthermore, if we don't know how you feel then WHY ARE YOU DATING US IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?

A mixed tape is so "like oh my God, high school." Don't do it, and if you do, you are forcing us into the arms of our secretary. Seriously.

Finally, don't attempt to use gifts as a way to nudge us toward improving ourselves. No clothes we won't wear, scents we won't use or little blue pills we won't take. We don't buy you control-top pantyhose. Why? Because we bruise, and we know better.

Furthermore, no sweaters, no pets, and don't take our stuff and "improve it." We have a word for that, it's called "ruined."

Maybe not useful, but sound advice nonetheless. I have personally experienced each of these gifts, and I'm single, so what does that tell you?

Besides my deep respect for secretaries.

What is the worst present you ever received? Tell me about it.

- Jarid Shipley is a reporter for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him a jshipley@nevadaappeal.com or 881-1217.