Bathrooms are meant for one kind of business

I say we stop it right now, before it goes any further. Restrooms are meant for only one kind of business, and you know the kind I mean.

This new wave of cell-phone calling, Blackberry e-mailing and laptop Internet surfing from the last private place on Earth must be turned back.

It's up to you and me. Adopt my slogan, "Do your business in here. Keep your business out there."

Or something like that.

You've seen them at the airport. Quite likely they're in the restroom where you work right now. And, heaven forbid, it's possible they've invaded your own bathroom at home.

"Hi, Mary. Any messages? Good. I need you to try to get hold of Stan and change that order to Amalgamated Widgets. I've called and called his cell phone and left messages, but he's not calling me back. So I texted him at the office and at home. Nothing. Maybe his pager's not working.

"Me? I'm at the airport. Why? Oh, that sound ... I'm standing next to a waterfall."

Yes, they're disturbing. I don't care about their business, their families, their personal trials and tribulations, and I'm frankly a bit embarrassed to be eavesdropping.

More than that, though, I think it's fraying the edges of the civilization. Instant communication, the wired world, the invisible electronic umbilical cord has been stretched across the threshold from useful to compulsive.

Theaters, churches, concerts - public places where singing cell phones are intrusive - have posted notices asking people to just turn them off. I'm all for doing the same in public restrooms.

Through history, from outhouse to in-house, the loo has been the place for some quiet contemplation with a handy piece of reading material. Once upon a time, it was the Sears catalogue, which served a dual purpose.

Since then it's been a newspaper, magazine, Stephen King novel, whatever was at hand. Pass the time and pass the ... well, you know.

One of my personal favorites for these moments of relaxation is "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader," which is chock full of particularly useless information.

According to the folks who publish "Uncle John's," they've put 7 million copies of several editions in print so far and have a new one coming out for Presidents' Day called "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges Into the Presidency."

It'll contain stuff you never knew you needed to know, such as:

- Ulysses S. Grant began each day with a breakfast of cucumber soaked in vinegar.

- Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are the only presidents to appear on both paper money and metal coins.

- Gerald Ford once said "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."

Sure, you can get that kind of information on the Internet. But it's different somehow. Colder.

When it comes to high-tech transformation of the ol' water closet, though, you ain't seen nothin' yet. And I'm not talking about the sensors that flush the toilet, turn on the sink faucet and roll out a paper towel with little more than a wave.

How about a $5,000 toilet for your home that automatically opens the lid when you approach? The Neorest also has a handy "Power Catalytic Deodorizer" which, frankly, sounds a bit frightening.

Then there's Phillips' flat panel mirror/monitor, on which you can watch yourself shaving while also catching the news, weather and traffic reports. Or reruns of "Laverne and Shirley," if that's what you need to get going in the morning.

One electronic innovation I doubt catches on is the talking bathroom scale, like the My-Weigh XL 440. Some people may need a talking scale, because for one reason or another they can't actually see their own feet, but I think most people don't want to risk stepping up and having it announce their poundage to the whole world.

"What did you say, honey?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Well, I distinctly heard a voice say 'two hundred and forty-seven.'"

I also see a problem with Acquinox's steam showers and whirlpools, which come with hands-free phones.

It's annoying, I know, when the phone rings just as you've stepped into the shower. But I contend that most of the time, "Oh, sorry, he just stepped into the shower" is what you are silently hand-signaling your spouse to say when you're trying to avoid a call from the collection agency.

In fact, that's the whole point of the sanctity of the john. You have a legitimate reason for not taking phone calls, for not answering your e-mail, for not checking stock quotes or basketball scores.

You're busy doing everything that needs to be done at that moment.

NEW OR USED: While I'm on the topic of personal privacy, I wanted to point out that Amazon.com sometimes gets a little overzealous when it pops up with low-priced deals on "new" or "used" merchandise.

Consumer Reports caught the web merchant advertising "used" Cottonelle Toilet Paper. Ewww.

When I checked, I found a promise of a "used" power toothbrush, "used" queen-size bedsheets, "used" electric razor (self-cleaning, fortunately) and "used" ear wax remover.

I did not, however, find any offer of used dentures. For that, I think, we can be grateful.

n Barry Smith is editor of the Nevada Appeal. Contact him at editor@nevadaappeal.com or 881-1221, but not if you're in the restroom at the time.