I am officially too old to date 18- and 19-year-old girls.
I don't really know when I passed that point, perhaps it was years ago and I've been denying it, or perhaps it was yesterday. The only thing I know is that something happened this week that made it abundantly clear.
For the last week, the girlfriend has had visitors in the form of her younger sister and her younger sister's best friend. They flew out to see the girlfriend the week after they graduated high school.
First on their agenda of things to do: Meet me.
Normally meeting new people doesn't scare me because I can usually relate and interact with just about anyone for short periods of time. But teenage girls are not people, they are a totally different creature and one that serves as Kryptonite to my charms.
The normal rules of social engagement don't apply. They don't get my jokes, they giggle a lot and no matter what you say, it always reminds them of a story "that happened that one time when . . ."
They use expressions I've never heard of, like the "awkward turtle," which is not, I was surprised to learn, a sexual position.
To be fair, they are both very nice, smart young ladies who will do great things in life. One wants to be an English teacher and the other is so passionate about music that she tattooed a note on her lower stomach.
But they also make me feel old.
There I was, happily delusional in thinking I was witty with a dash-o-funny in me. I threw down a non-sexist, non-racist, non-retarded bit of observational humor and waited for the laughs. They both cock their heads slightly to the side and say, "I don't get it."
That did to my self-esteem what pointing and laughing does to your manhood.
Aside from meeting me, the other thing on their agenda was sun-bathing, lots of sun-bathing. Me and three girls in bikinis, I guess I could tag along. That's an instant easy way to look cool, surround yourself with three girls, right? Wrong.
If I am reading the looks I got correctly " and as a certified datta-looka-means-ologist I'm confident I was " overweight guy and three girls doesn't make me look cool, it makes me look gay.
Spending time with them made me realize that I am officially too old to date women their age, because although I'm sure most teenage girls are nice, they and I are at different places in our lives. I want to picture a life that helps change the world for the better; they want more pictures on facebook.com.
Can you imagine that first date? I would stab myself with my fork, I think.
"Oh my god, that reminds me of this one time when my friend Roberto stabbed himself in the leg. It was so funny."
Could you date a 19-year-old? Tell me about it.