Coming in Thursday's Party of One

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Does anybody know of a good doctor who will let you pay for medical procedures in advance? Because I'm going to need treatment for an ulcer in about, oh, five years.

Why, because I possess this innate suspicion that something will go wrong at any moment " and I worry about it.

I fully believe that if everything is OK, then Mother Nature, Father Time, Brother Irony, Sister Vengeance and the rest of the Utterlyhatesme family are conspiring a way to destroy me.

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